


I Lost Everything Down There

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, Loss, M/M, Smut, Starting Over, Survival, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 16:09:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7539193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester finally saw what had been right in front of him, he was finally learning to be happy. All it takes is a single moment to have everything taken away, but it can take forever to get it back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Lost Everything Down There

Dean hit the ground, and he hit the ground hard. He knew that he had to catch his breath, he had to get up. The snarling and growling echoed off of every hard surface around him, every tree and every rock. The dizziness rolled over him in waves, making it hard to see when finally sat up in the dirt. He could feel the blood drip down the back of his neck and he knew that if he could feel it, then they could smell it. He was in Purgatory. The hunter had become the hunted.

He was trying to remember what had happened before he and Cas...

Dean pulled himself to his feet and groaned when he felt the pain roll through his head. The pain, the blood, it didn't matter. He had to find Cas. 

\-------------------------

He had to make his first kill with a piece of heavy wood that he'd sharpened to a point with a rock, it was a primal rush. Each kill added a new weapon to his arsenal, a machete, a silver blade, a crudely made battle axe. He only kept what he could carry. Adrenaline helped to keep him awake and aware, but when that wore off and his body couldn't take any more, the small caves and tree hollows offered some respite. Days turned into weeks as he just walked and hiked, searching silently for Cas. He knew that the lack of sleep and growing desolation was starting to wear on him, he was nowhere near the top of his game. He was ready to accept his fate when he was wrestled to the ground by a vamp twice his size, until he saw the shadow. The tip of the blade just grazed his chest as he watched the vampire's severed head roll across his shoulder, it's dead eyes even with his. Either Cas had found a weapon, or Dean was about to tangle with something bigger and smarter than the vamp. When he jumped up, his heart sank. It wasn't Cas. He wasn't sure what it was until he showed his teeth, another vamp. 

"You are a tough son of a bitch for a human, I'll give you that," came the soft Cajun drawl. "Now a lot of these guys down here, they know who you are and they don't like you very much. Seems you punched their one way ticket."

Dean backed up with his machete in hand as they walked in a slow circle, sizing each other up. "They know me?"

"Well not all of them, but quite a few have a story to tell. The fact that you're human, well that just makes you dinner. The fact that you're Dean Winchester, that turns you into dessert."

"Do you always play with your food?" Dean was exhausted, Dean was broken, but Dean wasn't going to go down without a fight.

"Nah, chief, I'm here to make you a deal."

"A deal? In Purgatory?"

"Well, there's a story, more of a legend really, about a human portal that'll get you topside. Most of you poor son's a bitches don't last more than a few days, but a lucky few have made it out. I'll help you find the portal but you've got to let me hitch a ride."

"And why should I trust you?" 

The vampire just laughed, "You shouldn't. But I'm the best chance you've got for getting out of here."

"What about the other one, the guy I was with?" Dean had to know what had happened to Cas.

"The angel? Haven't heard much about him since you two hit the ground."

"How do you know he's an angel?"

"There's no hiding what you really are down here. Now do we have a deal?"

Dean knew he shouldn't trust this guy, but he needed to find Cas. "You help me find the angel, you find me this portal, and we can work something out."

The vampire extended his hand, "Benny Lafitte. No need to introduce yourself."

Dean hesitated before he reached for Benny's hand, "I guess we'd better start looking for the angel." he said, finally returning Benny's handshake.

"Now, I do need to ask you one thing, Dean Winchester. What happens if we don't find your angel and the portal opens?"

"We cross that bridge when we get to it. I need to keep moving."

"Right behind ya, chief."

\-------------------------

It was a rare moment of peace. Dean was leaning back against a tree, Benny sat just a few feet away on the hard packed dirt. "Now I'm not the type to pry, but how in the hell does a human end up in Purgatory with an angel?" 

Dean looked over at Benny and chuckled, "Under any other circumstances I could tell the story and you wouldn't believe it, but I don't think that anything I say would surprise you. Ending up in Purgatory? I'm still not quite sure, that's all a little blurry. As far as the human and the angel bit, he rescued me from Hell a few years ago. I guess you could say that he's just been around ever since."

"Purgatory and Hell? Brother, you've had your passport stamped just about everywhere. How about upstairs? You made it up there yet?"

Dean laughed outright, "I really doubt they're saving a spot upstairs for Dean Winchester."

"You never know, stranger things have happened. You were rescued from Hell by an angel and now you're wandering around Purgatory with a vampire." Benny grinned. 

"So, let me ask you a question. Why do you want to get topside? What's up there waiting for you?"

"Well, as much as I do love the scenery down here, I have family. It's been a couple of generations, but I'd like to see them, even if it's from a distance. And of course like any other sappy story, there's a girl." 

"So if you've been down here long enough for a couple of generations of family to be up there, then I'm guessing that she's..."

"Yeah, she's a vamp too." Benny said softly, looking up at the starless sky. "One of those damn bullshit fairy tales of riding off into the sunset, but it didn't happen that way. I know that she's still up there, I guess I'm just hoping that she's been waiting. What about you?"

"What do I have topside? My baby brother, Sam. I've watched out for that pain in the ass for most of his life. That's how I ended up in Hell. He was killed and I sold my soul to bring him back."

"How much time did you do?"

Dean wasn't sure how to answer that question, time worked differently in Hell, in Purgatory, "four months."

"Ah, forty years Hell standard time, then you got yourself pulled out by this angel that we're tracking. And here I thought humans were boring."

Dean just grinned, "Most of them are."

"You got a girl up there? I'm guessing that you're a love 'em and leave 'em type."

"Let's just say that it's complicated." Dean thought back to that drunken night a few months before he'd landed in Purgatory. The night that he finally saw what was right in front of him, what everyone else had seen for years.

"It usually is," Benny sighed. "Now I know that you haven't slept in days, and it seems pretty quiet right now. We both know that's either a good thing or a very bad thing, but I'm an optimist at heart. Why don't you try to get some shut eye."

"Thanks man." Dean said softly as he tried to curl up with his back still against the tree, pulling his jacket over him for warmth. 

\-------------------------  
\-------------------------

God he'd been angry that night and he didn't even remember why. He just remembered being drunk and turning around, ready for a confrontation, but stopping mid sentence when he saw fear in those blue eyes. He'd flashed back to all of the times those eyes had searched for him from across the room. When they had locked on his, trying to convey a message that he never quite understood. When they had looked back to make sure that he was safe. It had always been there, but he'd never seen it. Not until that night, not until he realized that the panic and the misery were because of him. He felt like he'd been punched. Cas cared about him, Cas needed him, but at that moment, Cas was afraid of him. The reality sobered him up and he just stood, stared, hoping that the fear would go away. He waited silently for Cas's eyes to soften, to look at him the way that they normally did, the way he always remembered. Cas was an angel, he could just disappear if he wanted, but he didn't. He let Dean reach for him. He knew that Dean was sorry, that Dean would never hurt him. But mostly, he knew that Dean finally knew.

They didn't talk that night, they didn't say a word. Dean just held Cas. He held him until he fell asleep and even though as an angel Cas didn't need sleep, he didn't move. He stayed in Dean's arms until morning.

Dean felt Cas physically shiver, and he knew that it was because of his breath of the back of Cas's neck. He didn't know where Sam went, he didn't care. He felt Cas softly moan when he leaned forward and replaced his breath with his lips against the soft skin. It was all so surreal and silent. Cas turning in his arms, finally pressing his lips to Dean's after all of the years of misunderstanding and denial. The natural feeling of their tongues sliding together, impatient hands on buttons and zippers. The heady wonderment of rough hands sliding across smooth skin, leaving a wake of warm goosebumps. Hot mouths on silky flesh, fingers kneading taut muscles. Two bodies reaching, discovering each other, losing themselves in the heated familiarity. Not a word was said when finally, Dean rolled Cas on his back and settled on top of him. Their bodies slowly rocked while full lips explored the sensitive skin of the angel's neck and shoulders, stopping long enough to gently bite before leaning up into a deep kiss. Soft hands slid down his back pressing their bodies closer, adding a sense of urgency. Soft sighs and gentle whispers became cries of encouragement as their bodies rocked faster. Dean's name crossed Cas's lips as a loud moan as he came between their stomachs. Dean let out a guttural cry when his own orgasm sapped his energy and he melted, sweaty and exhausted against Cas's warm body. 

"Why didn't you just tell me, Cas?" Dean whispered, his face still buried in Cas's neck.

"I'd hoped that someday you would just know."

\-------------------------  
\-------------------------

"How long have been out?" Dean asked, his eyes still trying to adjust to the dim light.

"I'm not sure. My watch stopped working 50 or 60 years ago, but my best guess would be about four hours. Maybe a little longer. We should probably get up and moving, find you something to eat."

Dean started to feel like he was fighting a war, he really had become the good little soldier that he was meant to be. They would walk in silence for hours, sometimes days with their weapons ready, sleep had become a luxury. They expected an ambush around every corner, and fought for their lives every day. The enemy was everywhere, they only had one ally each. Dean was perpetually tired, hungry, and thirsty. The nuts, berries, and dirty stream water had made him sick at first, but his body had eventually grown accustomed to it. They moved through a dense fog that kept their clothing damp and smelling of mold. He didn't even feel the pain in his feet or his legs anymore. Everything about him was becoming numb. There was a simplicity in that reality that Dean was growing used to. It was monochromatic, never light yet never dark, and it was cold. It was always cold. 

\-------------------------

"Again, you are one tough son of a bitch. We've been walking for days but I think it's time we sat for a spell. Work up some more energy."

Dean knew that Benny was doing this for his benefit, and he appreciated the gesture. He sat with his back against an outcropping of stone and hung his head between his knees. 

"So, you told me that you've got your baby brother waiting up there, and that the rest was complicated. Now I didn't used to be the type to pry but I've been wandering around this little slice of heaven with you for months. What do you have going on up there that has you so fucked up in the head? Don't think that I don't see it."

Dean took a deep breath, "We've known each other for years, as friends. The type of friend that you would lay down your life for. It was just always there, but I never saw it. Not until a few months before I ended up here. I got drunk one night and for the first time I saw fear in the most beautiful blue eyes that you've ever seen. I felt like a fucking monster. That's when I knew that all of those years those eyes were trying to tell me something. That night I just, I don't know, I held on and never let go. I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to make sure there was never that fear again, from me or anything else."

"That don't sound so complicated."

"Yeah, but it is." Dean said quietly.

"Now I'm not the most educated man you've ever met, but I did notice a lack of pronouns in your explanation. It's your angel, isn't it?"

Dean just looked at Benny, he had no reason to lie. "Yeah, it's my angel."

"I'm gonna ask you again, brother, what if we don't find him? If we do find that portal, we don't know if it will ever open again. You'll have one shot to get your ass out of here, and take me along for the ride."

The thought of giving up on Cas hurt him in a way that he couldn't even describe, but Dean knew that if he got his chance he owed it to Sam, Benny, and himself to get out. "If we find it, we go. I don't see any other choice."

"I'm sorry, brother. I hope we find him."

\-------------------------  
\-------------------------

Dean looked up when Sam walked into the motel room, "Listen Sam, I was a total dick last night. I know."

"Total dick is an understatement." Sam looked around the room, confused. He saw Dean turn on Cas as he was leaving, but he knew that Cas would just disappear. He figured that Dean would trash the room and sleep it off. Other than the obvious signs that Dean had slept in one of the beds, the room was clean. "Okay, you were really pissed off when I left here last night. I know you, this room should be trashed. You don't go from total dick to sleepy drunk without breaking shit."

"Yeah, well things change."

Sam knew that something had changed. He'd seen the look in Dean's eyes. Hell, he'd seen the look in Cas's eyes. He would have felt guilty leaving Cas behind if he didn't know that Cas could take care of himself. "Did Cas leave last night?"

Dean started rubbing his forehead, he didn't turn around to look at Sam. "No, he didn't."

"But he was scared. I mean he was...wait...did you..."

"I know that he was scared, Sam. That's what sobered me up, that's what kept me from trashing the room. I have never seen Cas afraid of me, not like that."

"So he stayed..."

Dean finally turned around to face his brother, "What are you getting at? Yes, Cas stayed. I sobered up and he stayed with me. He left about an hour ago."

"So you..."

"Yes Sam, we did. Do you want details or is that good enough? You've been telling me for years, and you were right, okay? You were right. I know how he feels and I know...I just know. It happened, and it's fucking with my head, and he knows that. I don't know when he'll be back, but he will. And I sure as hell don't feel like playing 20 questions."

"I'm not going to ask questions, Dean. It's your life, I'll stay out of your way." Sam said quietly.

"You're usually a hell of a lot nosier, but okay."

"I just like that you finally admitted that I was right." Sam said with a smile.

"So what got me so pissed off last night anyway?"

"Pool hustle gone wrong," Sam mumbled. "Asshole ended up trying to rip you off and made some crude comments. The usual 'your mother' bullshit."

"Some asshole tried to rip me off and made jokes about mom. I can see getting pissed over that. I mean, don't rip off a Winchester and don't make jokes about my dead mother. What's the rest of the story, Sam?"

Sam just sighed, "Cas showed up, the guy said something about needing your queer little boyfriend to help you fight your battles. You lost it."

"That's why I was pissed at Cas..."

"Dean..."

"No, no, no Sammy, me and Cas are good. I mean I'm pretty sure we're good. If we weren't then, well what happened this morning...no we're good." Dean thought about how right it felt to have his hands on Cas. Cas knew him better than anyone, even better than Sam. Cas could call bullshit on him, and he couldn't dispute it because Cas knew. Cas just knew.

Dean had always known that Cas could usually tell where he was, sense how he was feeling, and he'd gotten so used to it that he wasn't surprised when he heard the fluttering. "Hello Dean, hello Sam." 

"Oh, hey Cas." Sam stuttered. He knew that Cas and Dean had some things that they needed to work out, and they needed to do it without him there. "I came by to grab my stuff. So, uh, I guess we'll talk later." He picked up his bag and pulled the door shut behind him when he left.

Cas was standing on the other side of the room. Dean looked at him and searched his eyes, he needed to know. "Cas, I'm sorry. I'm not going to try to come up with excuses here, I scared you and I'm sorry." Dean walked across the room until their bodies were just inches apart. "I'm not just sorry about last night. I have a whole laundry list of shit that I am sorry for." He cupped Cas's face in his hands, "are we okay?"

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and rested his chin on his shoulder, "We're okay," he whispered.

Dean knew that it would take time, but eventually he would figure out how to get Cas's tie off. For the time being, he would let Cas take care of it while he pushed his coat off of his shoulders and started working the buttons on his shirt, encouraging him towards the bed with his hands, and his mouth. Cas fell back against the mattress, pulling Dean with him in a hard kiss. Dean had worked the final button and ran his hands up Cas's stomach and chest, pushing his shirt away from his body. He sat, straddling Cas, just looking down at him. The smooth pale skin, the taut muscles, a body that he'd never noticed before. He wanted to touch him and taste him, please him. He moaned when he felt the fingers moving softly up his stomach. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and lowered his body until they were chest to chest. All he could do is stare into those eyes, those eyes made him remember everything. He was pulled into a kiss and he shifted his hips, groaning. "What's wrong, are you okay?" Cas innocently whispered. Dean wrapped his fingers around Cas's wrist and slid his arm between their bodies, stopping to rest Cas's hand against his hard bulge. Cas cupped it, alternating between gently squeezing and rubbing. "Oh god," Dean groaned. "That is not okay." He slid off of the bed and with shaky hands, undid his button and zipper, letting his pants and boxers drop to the floor at his feet. His eyes slid down the length of Cas's body, watching him push his own clothes off, sitting to pull his arms out of his shirt. Dean just took in everything. The toned thighs, the hard stomach, the subtle lines of muscle in his shoulders and down his arms, he wanted to know every inch of that body. When Cas reached for him, he became lost in a haze of a deep kiss, smooth warm skin beneath his calloused hands. He pulled away from the kiss and slid his full lips along Cas's jawline to his neck, leaving gentle bites as he moved across his shoulders and down his chest. He pulled one nipple into his mouth, sucking and subtly biting down, before taking in the other one. Cas's moans of pleasure only made him grow harder. His lips and tongue trailed across every inch of Cas's chest and stomach before he wrapped his hand around the base of his hard cock and gently squeezed. He could feel Cas writhing when he skimmed his lips along the sensitive skin on his hips while he started slowly stroking. He stopped moving for a moment before leaning forward to slide his tongue up the length of Cas's shaft. After feeling the sharp intake of breath he smiled and did it again, stopping to swirl his tongue around the head. His eyes were open and he was looking up at Cas. He ran his tongue across the head before gently sucking. The tendons in Cas's neck strained when he leaned his head back, overcome by the feeling of Dean's mouth on him. When he felt Cas weave his fingers through his hair, he slid his mouth down further, moving his tongue and gently sucking, his hand still stroking. He let Cas rock his hips, giving more of himself each time. The throbbing, the panting, and moaning let Dean knew that he just needed one final thrust of Cas's hips. He took him as far down his throat as he could, hearing his name as a strangled cry when he swallowed slowly. He kept his tongue and lips on Cas until he was limp and completely satisfied, before his slid his body up for a long and lingering kiss. 

"What about you?" Cas whispered, feeling Dean against him. He knew that he couldn't do what Dean had just done, not yet, but he needed to please him. Dean again wrapped his fingers around Cas's wrist as he rolled on his back. He guided it down and curled Cas's hand around his cock with his own. Together they started to slowly stroke, "Yeah, just like that." Dean whispered. Cas's hand was soft, nothing like his own calloused one. Cas set the rhythm before he pulled his own hand away and cleared his mind of everything but the feeling of soft skin gently sliding up and down. "God, I could lay here all day and let you do that," he mumbled. Cas tightened his grip slightly and sped up the pace, "Or not..." Dean groaned when he felt himself start to build. The smooth stroking against his sensitive skin became too much and he came all over Cas's hand and his stomach, arching his back and moaning. He reached down and encouraged Cas to keep touching him until he couldn't take it anymore. He handed him some tissues from the nightstand and laid still, unable to move while Cas cleaned them up. 

"So, that was okay?" Cas asked softly.

"God, that was better than okay. Come here." Dean whispered back, pulling Cas to him. "I'm sorry it took me this long to see it."

"But you finally did."

Dean turned for a tender kiss and they just laid in silence. 

Dean finally saw what had been right in front of him, and Cas's patience had finally paid off. They belonged together, and that would never change. 

\-------------------------  
\-------------------------

"So how'd you end up huntin' anyways?" Benny asked as they were walking. They didn't usually talk much when they walked, but Dean could see Benny getting anxious. They were closing in on the portal and there was still no sign of Cas.

"My mom was killed by a demon when I was four, my brother was just a baby. Our father was ex military and wanted revenge. We were dragged into the life, raised to be daddy's little soldiers. He turned me into a killing machine by the time I was 12. Back then, demons weren't as easy to find as they are now, but that's a whole other story. We spent years tracking that thing, and killing whatever else we could find. Staying in cheap motels, eating greasy diner food, never staying in one place longer than a few weeks, maybe a month. He was dead set on finding that demon and blind to everything else, he didn't really give a shit about me and my brother. Saving people, hunting things, the family business. That was the line of bullshit he fed us. He told us that it was our job to save people from the monsters they didn't even know existed. When he found a complicated hunt, he'd send us up to our Uncle Bobby's. He was also a hunter, but that man loved us more than our own father did, up until the day he died. My baby brother was smart, he left and went to college. I stayed behind with the old man, but he was never the same. He didn't speak to Sam for years. But that demon, that yellow eyed son of a bitch showed up at Stanford and killed Sam's girlfriend. That's when he came back. The old man died not to long after that, not in any type of honorable hunter way, we were in a car accident. Sam was still hell bent on revenge and I don't know how to do anything other than hunt, so we stayed. Even after we tracked that demon and killed it, we stayed."

"You've had one hell of a life, Dean Winchester."

Dean laughed, "and you've gotten the abridged version."

"You love that angel enough to trust a vampire..."

"You love your girl enough to trust a hunter with a machete..."

"Then I guess we're about even." Benny laughed. "Never thought I'd work with a hunter, let alone actually like the guy."

"Are we having a moment here?" Dean smiled.

"Anybody ever told you that you're kind of an asshole?" 

"Everybody has told me that I'm an asshole. It just sounds a lot more interesting when somebody says it with that Cajun accent." Dean joked.

"Louisiana born and bred, brother."

They walked in silence for the rest of the day. Dean had grown used to it. Sam always wanted to talk, needed to question everything. He was all about 'moments'. Cas, well he mostly just listened. 

They stopped again by the stream so that Dean could drink and try to clean up. He knew that he was a mess, covered in dirt and blood, none of it his own. Benny just sat on a log and waited. "You know, we're only a couple of days out from that portal."

"Yeah, I figured as much. I told you that if we found the portal before we found Cas that I'd let you hitch a ride and we'd go."

"I know that's got to be hurtin' ya, and I'm sorry about that. The longer you stay down here, the worse it's going to get. I'm guessing that you've probably been here roughly a year topside time. You've got a target on your back, and so do I now. I'm the vamp that's been helping the human. The other creatures don't take too kindly to that."

"I'll get you out of here, Benny. I promised I would. We aren't going to find Cas, I've accepted that. I hate it, but I've accepted it. We just need to find that portal. Like you said, as much as we love the scenery, we've got things waiting up there for us."

They saw it from a distance a couple of days later.

"Now you remember how to do this?"

"I make the cut and let you hop inside. I can honestly say this will be the only time I've ever had a man inside of me. Are we supposed to kiss first or something?" Dean asked, trying to hide the guilt and pain of losing Cas.

"You're not my type." Benny grinned. "Well, we might as well get it done. You've got to climb those rocks to get up there. You remember what to say?"

Dean nodded and made the cut. He turned his head as Benny's soul slid under his skin. It was a white hot burning pain, but he'd made a promise. He got to the top of the rocks and took one last look around, hoping that maybe by some miracle he'd see Cas. When he didn't, he took his last step and went through the portal, leaving Purgatory behind.

\-------------------------

The only way he knew that he'd made it out was because of the colors. The trees were green, there were stars in the sky, and the perpetual fog was gone. He had no idea where he was, but he was back. He had to carry Benny with him and reunite him with his remains. Somehow he had to get to Louisiana. 

Turns out he was up north and had a hell of a long journey ahead of him. He found a gas station bathroom and cleaned up as much as he could. He stared into the mirror expecting to look different, expecting to see the changes on his face, but they weren't there. He was jumpy, nervous. He turned at every sound. He couldn't remember the sun being so bright, how the heat made him sweat. He'd forgotten how loud the cars were as they passed him on the interstate. He hitched rides when he could, but he hated it. He couldn't handle small talk and he didn't trust the driver. He only did it out of necessity and became physically ill each time he got dropped off somewhere. He decided not to call Sam, not until he'd followed through with his promise. It took him almost a week to make it to the small town he was looking for, and another couple of days to find the spot that Benny had described. His arm was hurting more and more every day, and he had a few things to say to Benny about it if this worked, if he was able to bring him back. Digging the hole was almost unbearable, but he found the remains. Speaking the Latin incantation that Benny had made him memorize, he cut his arm bringing some relief to the pain as he watched blood drip into the grave. He just sat on his knees, breathing heavily when he heard the movement behind him. Purgatory had taught him to always be ready for a fight. "No need to stand for a proper greeting." came that soft Cajun voice.

"That was quick." Dean panted, standing up turning around.

"Always was a fast learner." Benny smiled, pulling Dean into a hug. "I couldn't have done it without you, brother."

"Feeling's mutual. So are you going to head out to find that family of yours?"

"I don't know, Dean. It feels different up here."

"Benny, it's been awhile. Shit's changed, and it's changed a lot. You're welcome to come with me. You covered my ass and taught me the rules in Purgatory, least I can do is offer you the same respect."

"I don't want to be a burden."

"It's better than traveling alone. I need to find a pay phone and track down my brother."

"A what?" Benny asked, obviously confused.

"Yeah, you definitely need someone to show you how the topside is these day. Let's get walking. I'll explain what I can along the way."

\-------------------------

"So let me get this straight, there are carriages that use engines?"

"Cars Benny, cars. Wait until you see mine. '67 Chevy Impala. That's my baby."

"And you and this angel, you being together, people are okay with that?"

Dean laughed, "I told you this part is complicated. Nobody really knows that Cas is an angel. Nobody knows about most of this shit, vampires, werewolves, demons. Hunters have to lie, and they have to lie a lot. The part about me being a guy and Cas being a guy, that's not a problem. Most people are fine with it. It's even legal for two men or two women to get married."

"God damn I'm glad I decided to follow you around."

"Oh, you have no idea. Just wait until we hit a highway and make it into a city."

They walked in silence again down a dirt road, the sky was almost too blue and the birds in the distance were almost too loud. A warm breeze passed by and they just looked at each other. "There was something about Purgatory," Dean said. "I don't know, it was just pure. It was primal. The world up here? It's nothing like that, it's a lot more complicated.

\-------------------------

They finally made it to a small town and it was almost too much. The people, the cars, the buildings. Dean felt dizzy and sick, he couldn't imagine what Benny was going through. They'd been able to gather a few coins and Dean finally found a payphone. Sam's number was no longer in service. He called the phone company and pretended to be Sam, claimed that he lost his phone, and wrote down the address of the last ping they had. Sam was in Texas.

"Benny, can I borrow your watch?"

"I told you the damn thing doesn't work anymore."

Dean just sighed, "I know but I need to hustle and we have no cash. That shit is real gold and it's an antique."

"How do I know that you won't lose it?"

"You've never seen a Winchester hustle." Dean smiled.

They found a bar, Dean took a deep breath and started the act while Benny took a seat in the corner. Play drunk, play very drunk until you can talk some uppity jackasses into a game of pool. Use the watch as collateral and win a few 'lucky' games until you build some cash. Then you kick up your game and take them for everything they have. Hustling pool was just part of the life. Dean had a pounding headache by the end of the night and had to leave the bar. He couldn't even drink.

"So here's your watch, I've got enough in my pocket for food and a room."

"A room? Are you flirting with me, Dean Winchester?" Benny winked.

"Nah, I don't trust you. You probably use teeth." Dean grinned.

Dean got something to eat and they found a cheap room. They didn't talk much, they were both still trying to take everything in. It took Dean awhile to realize that Benny needed to feed. "Stay right here, I'll be back in about an hour."

Benny had to trust Dean. Dean had trusted him in his world. An hour later Dean came back with a cooler. "Now I feel kind of bad about breaking into a hospital blood bank, but you've got to feed and I can't have you doing it the old fashioned way. Take it slow, I don't know how long it will be before I can find more."

Benny smiled and grabbed a bag out of the cooler, "Thank you."

They worked their way across Texas hustling, cheap rooms, cheaper food, and a few hospital break in's. They finally reached the town where Sam's phone had pinged. 

"I don't know if I should come with you. You said that the kid is 6'4" and a hunter."

"So don't show your teeth. You're with me, I met you on the road. That's all he needs to know. Benny, you are nowhere near ready to go off on your own. Another hunter will find you before you get out of the city." 

"Alright, let's get this done."

Dean knocked on the door, not knowing what to expect.

\-------------------------

Sam opened the door and just stared, "Dean? How in the hell?"

"What? No holy water? No silver? You must be going soft if you aren't following the hunters rules." Dean forced a laugh before wrapping his arms around his little brother. He let go and turned around, "This is Benny. I met him on the road. Turns out the portal from Purgatory is up north a ways. Hell of a trip on foot."

Benny stepped forward and reached his hand out, "Benny Lafitte, you must be Sam." 

"Yeah, yeah I'm Sam." Sam said, returning the handshake. There was almost something soothing about his calm disposition and southern accent.

"So are we going to stand in the doorway all night or are we invited in?"

"No, sure, yeah, come in." Sam mumbled. He was in shock. He couldn't believe that Dean was back. It hadn't been easy, it had torn him up, but he'd finally accepted that he wasn't ever going to see his brother again. "So, Purgatory?" This was like a replay of when Dean came back from Hell, only this time it hadn't been four months, it had been about a year.

"Yep, Purgatory. Great little vacation spot. Did you know that we're famous down there? It's amazing how word gets around. But I'm back, in one piece, and not in any mood to talk about it. And please, don't mention his name. Please, Sam."

"Yeah, no I get it. Um, sit down, relax. I really don't know what to do here." Sam was flustered.

"First of all, calm the fuck down. I can't handle this nervous shit."

Sam sat on the edge of the bed, not knowing what to say. He hadn't expected this at all. He watched Dean's friend pull a chair to the corner and sit, he obviously wasn't much of a talker. 

\-------------------------

Benny and Dean tried to play cards at the cheap formica table while Sam just paced. 

"You been hunting?" Dean called over his shoulder.

Sam hesitated before he answered, "Not really. I've been on my own. Without you, without Bobby, I didn't know what to do."

Dean turned around slowly, "So what have you been doing?"

"Moving around, working odd jobs, trying to figure out what in the hell I'm going to do next."

"You must have skipped over the part about trying to find me."

"Dean..."

Dean stood up from the table, Benny just moved back into the shadows. "You did try, right?"

"There are no deals with Purgatory. Hell can't touch it, Heaven can't touch it. There was nothing I could do."

"But did you try?" 

The lights were too bright, the walls were closing in, he was starting to sweat. He grabbed on to the edge of the table and dropped his head.

That's when they heard the fluttering.

\-------------------------

Just like thousands of other times, Dean heard the soft gravely voice, barely more than a whisper, "Hello Dean." He was rooted in place, he couldn't bring himself to look.

"Cas?"

"Yes, it's me." Cas said softly.

Dean finally lifted his head and saw those blue eyes. They were confused and somber. "How did you? I mean, I lost you down there Cas."

"The angels pulled me out after a few days."

"A few days? No, no, no...I was down there for a year and all I could think about was you. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was you. I looked for you. That's all I did, Cas. For a year I looked for you. So there was no fucking way for either one of you to find me? To try? You just said 'fuck it' and gave up?" Dean thought that he was going to be sick.

"Dean, you don't understand..."

"No Cas, I don't. I almost didn't come back because I couldn't handle the thought of leaving you behind. I mourned your death, Cas. The only reason I did step through that portal was for Sam." He saw the sadness in Cas's eyes. "I can't...I can't do this. Not right now. Maybe I shouldn't have...I need to go." He never even reached for Cas before he walked to the door. "Benny?"

"I was a pleasure meeting you." Benny said quietly to Sam as he followed Dean out the door.

Sam turned to Cas, "What in the hell was that? He's pissed because we didn't look for him? There was nothing we could do."

"He wanted to hear you say that you tried, that you didn't give up on him just as he never gave up on me. He's exhausted and confused. He's different. Hopefully we can help him come around, Sam. But you should know that he lied about his friend. He didn't meet him on the road, he's known him for much longer." 

\-------------------------

"Now you were right about the blue eyes, but don't you think you were a little hard on your brother?"

"Yeah, maybe. But I saw it. He'd accepted that I was dead. I came back from Hell, how could he just accept that I was dead and move on with his life?"

"Dean, you were down there for a year. It's obviously changed you. Let's find you someplace quiet so that you can think or sleep or do whatever in the hell it is that you need to do, you look about ready to pass out. I have a cooler full right here, so I'm good. C'mon."

Dean stopped to look at his car. He wasn't going to go back in there and try to get the keys from Sam, not tonight. He just followed Benny across the parking lot and down the sidewalk, looking for another motel. He didn't expect to feel so empty and alone when he saw Sam, and he sure as hell didn't expect to see Cas.

\-------------------------

Sam drew the curtains shut after he watched his brother turn the corner and out of sight. "I still don't understand what that was. And who in the hell is with him?"

"I know when Dean is lying. His friend? He's not fully human. He brought him back from Purgatory. I don't know why and I don't know how. That is a year of Dean's life that we may never know anything about. Dean has changed. I'm guessing he expected to come back and just pick up where he left off after mourning my death. Your retirement and my existence is too much for him right now."

"So let me guess, we just wait."

"That's all we can do, Sam."

\-------------------------

Dean showed up the next morning and asked for his car keys. He didn't step in the room, he didn't look past Sam to see if Cas was there, he just waited for the keys. Sam could see Benny leaning against the car. He tried to figure out who he was, what he was, but he couldn't. He didn't know when he'd see Dean again. At least the crappy job he'd taken at the bookstore was enough to keep him at the motel if Dean wanted to come back. He thought about asking Cas to find him, but he knew that Cas and Dean had their own issues to deal with. 

\-------------------------

"You really think you'e ready to go out on your own?" Dean asked, looking at Benny's profile in the passenger seat of his car.

"As much as I appreciate you showing me how to survive out here, I can't exactly follow you around for the rest of your life. You still have a couple of things that you need to make right, and you know that. You haven't talked to your brother since the night we found him at the motel, that was weeks ago. I'm not going to say a word about the angel because that's none of my business."

"I still don't think you're ready."

"Who's relying on who here? You got too used to Purgatory, didn't you?"

Dean glanced over again, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You told me that there was something pure down there. No tricks, no lies, no deals. It was kill or be killed. You were either the hunter or the hunted, and most of the time we were both. You didn't have to feel anything down there. Up here, well up here shit has changed, but not just for me."

"Are we having another moment?"

Benny just chuckled, "I don't know, brother. Maybe we are. One of the things that kept you alive down there was your need to find that angel. Now I know that you gave up, I watched it happen. He got out, Dean. He's alive. You found him. You can be as pissed off as you want, but they were right. There ain't no way to get out of Purgatory, unless you're an angel apparently. They couldn't have found you. Hell, I wasn't even 100% sure that the portal existed, but it did and we're both topside. Your head is all fucked up and you need to fix that or you are going to lose the only things that kept you alive."

"I still don't think you're ready to go out on your own."

"You are one stubborn son of a bitch, you know that? Now just drop me in a small town in Louisiana. The smaller the better. You've got me looking normal, you got me a phone and showed me how to use it, I think I can even handle a car if I have to. I can take it from there."

Dean dropped Benny off in a ramshackle town on the edge of a swamp. "You stay out of trouble, and I am talking about your eating habits. I showed you how to find it without hurting anyone. You have your phone, and you call me if you need anything, and I mean ANYTHING. You sure you're going to be okay out here?"

Benny chuckled, "No I'm not, not sure at all. But I can't follow Dean Winchester around for the rest of his life, it's bad for my reputation."

Benny pulled Dean into a hug. "Thank you, brother, for everything." Dean hugged him back, "Yeah, you too." Dean got in the car and watched him walk away. He felt sadness and fear creep over him. He was where he wanted to be, he could find the people that he loved, but he'd never felt more alone. He put the car in drive and headed back towards Texas. He didn't know if he was on his way to find Sam, or just driving. 

\-------------------------

He'd stopped dreaming about Cas months ago, but that night Cas came to him in a dream. All soft skin and gentle whispers, beautiful blue eyes full of need. Lips and hands moving across his body...and then everything went black. He sat up in bed gasping for air. He turned until his feet were on the floor and hung his head. He knew that Cas was just waiting for him, it had been weeks since he'd seen him and Sam at the motel, but Cas was still waiting. Benny had been right, Cas's eyes, his skin, his voice, those were the things that had kept him alive. He was tired of feeling alone, he wanted Cas there. He wanted to know if he could see Cas, if Cas could see him, the way that they did before they landed in Purgatory.

"I'm here." Came the whisper from the dark corner.

"Cas, I don't even know what to say."

"Things weren't what you expected them to be. You are confused, you are trying to figure out where you fit."

"I never thought that I would feel so lost after just a year. This is almost worse than coming back from Hell. In Hell I knew what to expect, it was the same every day. In Purgatory? It's just different. It's warfare." Dean said quietly. "Will you step out so that I can see you? I need to see you. For months, every time I slept, I saw you. But then you just disappeared, you were dead. I mourned you, Cas. I need to know that you aren't a corpse."

Cas moved across the room and stood next to the bed. Dean reached out and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing his face against Cas's stomach. "My head is all fucked up. Nothing makes sense. I need something to make sense in my world. I need to see something that isn't bright or loud or fake. I need to feel something real."

Cas knelt down until he was eye level with Dean, but he didn't reach out to touch him. "I'm real, Dean. Everything that happened between us, that was real. How I feel, that is never going to change." 

Dean leaned forward until their foreheads touched, "I need to feel that. I need to feel you next to me. I need to hear your voice, I need to hear you breathing. I need you to touch me. I need to be able to touch you," he whispered. Cas stood up and silently took his clothes off before he reached down to help Dean with his own. They crawled under the blanket and Cas heard Dean's sob of relief when he pulled him close. Dean was shaking and quiet, just holding Cas without moving. "You died, Cas" he whispered "I saw it over and over again in my head those last couple of months. I couldn't feel you, I couldn't dream about you. You were just gone. I've never felt so alone in my life." Cas tried to touch every inch of Dean's skin with his own. He needed Dean to know that he was there, he would always be there. He felt Dean's fingertips gently run down the side of his face before he felt his lips. He rolled onto his back, pulling Cas with him. Cas could feel Dean's fingers, the palms of his hands slowly moving across his body. He dropped his head to softly kiss Dean's jawline, his neck, his shoulders. He reached out and cupped the side of Dean's face, running his thumb across his cheekbone. It was gentle, fluid, and soft. Fingers grazing skin, soft lips parting, tongues slowly sliding against each other. They were consumed by sweet whispers and supple flesh. Dean was finding what he thought he had lost, Cas was giving him what he knew that he needed. Finally they surrendered to the hunger of their sweat slicked bodies and they desperately rocked against one another, gentle mouths turned greedy, soft hands became urgent. Sweet whispers gave way to deep moans and needy cries. They called each other's names and collapsed together, satiated and unable to catch their breaths. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's body that was sprawled on top of him and whispered, "I need you, Cas." They stayed like that until Dean finally fell asleep. Cas slid out of bed and tried to clean them up before he rolled on his side and backed up against Dean's body. Dean curled around him and softly snored against the back of his neck. Cas hoped that this was the first step in bringing Dean back.

\-------------------------

When Dean woke up, Cas was there and Cas was real. He reached out to touch his soft skin, roll his body towards him, place a kiss on his lips. "Apparently I need a shower," Dean groaned. "Which means that you probably do too. C'mon." He crawled out of bed and reached his hand back.

Dean got the hot water started and they stepped into the small shower. Dean had Cas pressed against the tile in a deep kiss before they were able to run their soapy hands over each other's bodies. "You make sense, Cas." he said quietly. "You are all that I have right now." Cas leaned in for another heated kiss as Dean reached behind him and turned off the water. "We can do this later," he said, leading Cas out of the bathroom. He dropped onto the bed, pulling Cas with him. Their lips met in a maddening rush before Dean slid his mouth along Cas's neck, stopping to nip with his teeth and suck blood to the surface. He was rock hard and he was needy. "I want to feel myself inside of you, Cas. I'm not going to lie, it's going to hurt. But, do you trust me?" Cas just nodded even though he didn't need to, Dean could see it all in his eyes. The excitement, the trust, the anticipation. Dean crawled out of the bed and dug through the bag he'd found in the trunk of the car, he knew that he had a bottle of lube in there somewhere. He wrapped his hand around it and moved back to the bed, rolling Cas on his back and sliding the pillows under his hips. He knelt between Cas's legs, memorizing his body with his fingertips and eyes. Everything that had kept him alive was right in front of him, arching against his hands, waiting for his mouth. He dripped lube on his finger and bent down for a hungry kiss as he slid his hand between them and started to gently rub Cas's virgin hole. Cas gasped when he slipped it inside. Dean started slowly moving it in and out, giving him time to adjust while he kissed him with a slow intensity. He saw the pain in Cas's watery eyes when he slid the second finger in. "Okay, this is a bad idea. I'm sorry baby," he whispered. He couldn't bear to look at Cas and see pain. He started to slide his fingers out when he grazed the sweet spot. Cas moaned, "No, keep going." Dean pressed against Cas's prostate sliding his fingers back and forth, feeling Cas's body rock against his hand. He pulled his fingers out and slid his slick cock inside in one fluid movement. Again, he saw that look of pain and he hated that he was the cause of it. He was ready to stop until Cas started gingerly rocking against him. Cas wanted this just as much as he did. He slid in and out, shifting his body until he felt the moan in Cas's chest and knew that he had found the right spot. He felt fingers digging into his flesh, his name became a cry as he wrapped his hand around Cas and started stroking. He watched Cas pull his bottom between his teeth and tilt his head back as the sticky come dripped down his hand. Cas was rocking his hips, needing to feel him. Everything became hazy when, with one final thrust, Dean buried himself deep inside of Cas and exploded, the pleasure radiated throughout his entire body until he collapsed, tired and sweaty. "I know that hurt you, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just needed to feel as close to you as I could. God, I'm just sucking you into this mindfuck, aren't I?" he whispered with his face buried in Cas's neck. "I just, I need to know that you're real, that this is real and maybe I'm going about it the wrong way."

"It's not like you made me do something that I didn't want to do. Yes, it hurt, but it would have happened eventually. At least I think it would have. You and I...we're okay. You're not. What do I need to do, Dean? What can I do? I'm sorry that you thought that I was gone." Cas started to softly cry. "But I thought you were gone too. I had to mourn you too. I would have done anything to save you, anything. I know that you changed down there, but my feelings haven't. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Dean reached to cup Cas's face and leaned down for a gentle kiss. "Just be here. Please, just know that no matter what happens, I need you. Maybe it's a lot to ask, but I need you Cas. I always will."

\-------------------------

Cas was laying next to him, lazily running his fingers across his stomach when Dean heard his phone buzz on the nightstand. He'd only given his number to one person. "I need to take this" he whispered to Cas as he answered his phone and started throwing on clothes. When he walked outside to talk, Cas knew who it was.

"Benny, what's up?"

"I'm thinking that you were right, Dean. Maybe I wasn't ready. Fitting in is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Now maybe I'm just an old vamp gone soft, but I needed a friendly voice. How are things working on your end?"

"I got the, uh, angel situation worked out but I still haven't talked to my brother."

"You need to go do that. You've got kin, that there makes you a lucky man."

"Are you doing things safely, Benny?" Dean was worried, he knew that if hunters caught wind then the situation could become ugly. Benny saved his life and he would do what he could to save Benny's.

"Oh yeah, still drinking it out of the baggie. Call me crazy, but I learned that humans aren't so bad after all."

"You need to take care of yourself, Benny."

"You too, Dean. You go talk to that brother of yours. Purgatory fucked with your head, but staying away from him ain't gonna help."

The line went dead. He stood for a minute and stared distractedly, Benny was right.

"I need to go see Sam, I need to try and make things right." He bent down to kiss Cas softly, "thank you, Cas."

"For what?"

"For finally making me feel something." Dean whispered.

\-------------------------

Dean was sitting on the walkway in front of the motel room with his head between his knees when Sam came back from work. "I would have been here awhile ago but those back roads in Louisiana are a bitch." He stood up slowly when Sam pulled out the room key and followed his brother.

"I'm guessing that your friend made it home safely?"

"Benny? Yeah, I'm guessing he did."

Sam dropped the key on the table and sat down, "Okay, so is this where the argument starts?"

"There doesn't have to be an argument, Sam" Dean started pacing, he already felt caged, he knew this was going to turn into an argument.

"I couldn't look for you, Dean. I had nowhere to look, but I researched the lore. The fact that you even found a portal out of Purgatory goes against everything I read. I didn't even know for sure if that's where you'd gone until Cas came to me and told me. The angels wouldn't tell him anything, we already know that the demons would love to be able to find a way in and out of Purgatory, especially if they knew that a Winchester was down there. There was nothing I could do. I stopped hunting because I'm not like you, I don't know how to hunt alone. The day you and Cas disappeared I stood there alone. For the first time in my life I was totally alone. I didn't have you, or Bobby, or even dad. So I drove around, I hustled little bit, and I ended up here taking a crappy job at a bookstore not knowing what in the hell to do with myself."

"I'm sorry, Sam. I am. I shouldn't have gotten so pissed off, okay? But I spent a year down there, and it's like something out of your worst nightmare. You wouldn't believe the shit that I saw, and the shit that I had to do just to survive. It has fucked me up. I know that. I spent most of that year looking for Cas. Every time I turned a corner I hoped and I prayed that I would see him. For months I looked, while I fought every day just to stay alive. I finally accepted that he was dead and I had to mourn him. Right after I'd finally found him. Right after I thought that I had a shot at happiness, I had to mourn him. I'm not looking for sympathy, maybe just a little understanding. That was my life, Sam. All I had was the legend of this portal that might exist, and if it did, it might get me out. That was my only hope. I knew that I needed to get topside and back to you."

"So," Sam asked calmly. "Where did you learn about this portal?"

"Like I said, legend, stories." Dean knew that Sam had figured it out.

"You said that they know who we are down there. I'm guessing a lot of them would recognize us by face since ours were probably the last that they saw. I can't imagine you coming across a whole lot of helpful monsters. You are a hell of a hunter, but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around how you survived down there for a year."

"Okay, so you know. I didn't come back alone. I had help."

"What is he?"

"It's not your problem." 

"Yes, it is. You brought him back. So what is he?"

"Damnit Sam, it doesn't fucking matter. We went our separate ways and he promised me that he'd keep it clean."

"And you believe him."

"He watched out for my ass for months. He told me about the portal. He helped me look for Cas. He saved my fucking life. Yes, I believe him and the less you know the better off you both are, so just fucking drop it."

"I can't drop it."

"Why? You aren't even a fucking hunter anymore." Dean had to fight the urge to leave. Benny had been right, at least he had family. "Listen Sam, I'm back. How I came back shouldn't matter. There are thousands of others like him, and I showed him how to survive without hurting anybody. He could have taken me out any time he wanted, but he didn't, even after we got topside. I don't expect you to send the guy a Christmas card, but just drop it. I really don't think you get how fucked up I am right now. I just spent a year in a world of kill or be killed. It was gray and it was cold. It's ugly there, it's primitive. I come back here and everything is loud and bright. People and yelling and laughing, lying and making deals. I thought that Cas was dead. I thought that I was probably never going to see you again. Most days I thought I may not survive to see another one. I am not going to argue with you, and I'm sure as hell not going to defend Benny to you. What I am going to do is get back to the hunt because that's what kept me alive. It's one of the only things that makes sense to me. The only difference is now I know where they are headed when I kill them, and it is an ugly place."

"Okay, I'll drop it. But if we're out there, and we see him, you know what we have to do."

"We?"

"You're back. Cas is back. I'm guessing that Cas is back?"

"Yeah, he's back."

"I'll quit my job."

"Is that what you want, Sam? I can't have you doing this just because you think that I let some monster loose on the world."

"Dean, it's what we do. It's what we've always done. You can't tell me that none of those things down there knew who I was. If Cas is back, you keep your own room and we go back to the life."

\-------------------------

They got back to work and Dean was at the top of his game. He heard every twig snap, he knew what every creature was before he even saw it. Even on his worst days, Dean Winchester put other hunters to shame. And he had Cas. He went to Cas after every hunt, and Cas kept his fear and his anger in check. 

\-------------------------

"I can never decide what I like watching more. You straddling me, or you dropping to your knees."

"Are you objectifying me?" Cas smiled.

"Yes, yes I am." Dean said lazily, leaning back against the tile wall, watching Cas swirl his tongue around his hard cock. He felt the moan already building when Cas pulled the head into his mouth and slid his tongue across the top. He needed a quick release tonight, and Cas knew it. Dean rested his hands on Cas's head, encouraging him to take more while the hot shower water hit his chest and formed rivulets down his body. "Okay, baby." Dean whispered, "I'm going to..." He felt Cas slide his cock down his throat while he came, and he came hard. It wasn't until he was limp that Cas finally stood up and held him against the wall with his body, leaning in for a long kiss. He reached back to turn off the water before it got cold. "Mmmmm" Dean smiled. "Shower blow job from a sexy angel, that's better than any sleeping pill." He stumbled out of the shower and was asleep before his head hit the pillow. Cas just smiled as he crawled into the bed and pulled the blankets over them. Dean seemed to be doing better. He never asked Dean about Purgatory, he'd seen enough in the few days he'd spent there. He never asked Dean about Benny, it wasn't any of his business. Benny brought Dean home to him. He curled up and waited for Dean to reflexively reach for him.

\-------------------------

Dean was still trying to adjust to being back. The only times he felt okay was when he was with Cas or when they were working a case. Otherwise he was agitated, skittish, always waiting for something to happen. He knew that he couldn't explain it to Sam, he couldn't make him understand. So he tried to pretend like he was okay, when on the inside he felt like everything was falling apart.

\-------------------------

They were between cases, and Dean was in a bad place. He been back for months, but he was tired of still being afraid, he was tired of feeling uneasy most of the time. On paper had his life back. He had Cas, he had Sam, but he still didn't feel quite right and he didn't know what to do about it. He didn't know how to shake what was inside of him.

The waitress had set their plates in front of them and poured fresh coffee. Sam had his laptop open on the table while he ate. That used to drive Dean nuts, now he appreciated it. This way he didn't have to talk. He felt his phone buzz and pulled it out of his pocket to check the text. "Uh, Sam, I've got to run somewhere real quick. I shouldn't be gone for too long. A day or two tops. I'll call you and let you know." he said as he grabbed his jacket, dropped some cash on the table, and walked out to his car. Sam just watched him through the window. He knew that Dean wasn't okay, but the phone calls and quick trips weren't exactly helping him forget his time in Purgatory. Every time he answered that phone, he was taking another step back.

\-------------------------

"Benny?" Dean called, "Where in the fuck are you, man?"

Benny stepped out of the woods in front of him, "Shit, don't do that. I could have sliced your fucking head off."

Benny just smiled and gave Dean a bear hug, "Haven't seen you in a couple of months. How are the wife and kids? I mean horny angel and pain in the ass little brother?"

"Is that your way of telling me that I overshare?" That Cajun drawl still calmed Dean whenever he heard it. He had tried to hide his continuing friendship with Benny from Sam, but Benny said he needed help, and Dean felt like he owed him.

"Just the angel part." Benny smiled. 

"My car is just about a half mile that way, follow me. Which direction am I taking you?"

"Any direction that is the hell away from here. I'll explain in the car."

They finally took off, Dean just threw it in drive a kept going the way he'd been going, "What's the deal? Why are we high tailing it out of there?"

"There's a nest. Young and reckless bunch. They found me and realized that I'm going it solo so they wanted to play the join us or we'll kill you game. I'd woulda tried to take 'em if there weren't so damn many. I considered asking you for help with that, we haven't hunted together in a long time, but I figured just getting the hell out was probably the smartest thing I could do. I must be getting old and lazy."

Dean just chuckled, "Oh come on, you're only like 200 years older than I am, and looking good for your age."

"So what'd you tell your brother this time?"

"I didn't. I just told him that I had to go."

"Man, I must look like a real pussy to you. How many times have I called you to help me out. You don't owe me nothin' but you still show up."

"Benny, you saved my fucking life. I do owe you and I'll keep showing up."

"Can I tell you somethin' Dean? I don't think that I've ever had an actual friend. Not anyone I could count on."

"Benny, are we having another moment?"

Benny just laughed. "And what if we are? You are a hell of a guy, for a hunter."

"And you are a hell of a guy, for a vamp."

Dean knew that besides Cas and other hunters, he'd never had an actual friend either. But the shit that he and Benny had been through, that had just drawn them together in a way that couldn't be explained. Dean may get up in the middle of a meal to pick him up and take him somewhere safely, but how many times had Benny sat on the other end of the phone and listened to Dean's fucked up ramblings, the memories of Purgatory that still fucked with his head? He relied on Benny just as much as Benny relied on him. He always told Cas when he talked to Benny, when he saw Benny, he didn't want there to be any misunderstandings. It was Sam that he tried to keep in the dark, but he knew that Sam had figured it out. It was just something they never talked about. 

"This world, man, things have changed. Some days I don't know how I'm gettin' by."

"You're doing alright, Benny. How long have we been back? Five, maybe six months now. You haven't made a single kill. A few sloppy hospital break in's, but no kills. That's pretty impressive. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure chief. Anything you want to know."

"Did you ever find your girl?"

Benny just sighed, "I did, but things have changed. Let's just say she was more interested in watching my head roll than running off into the sunset."

"I'm sorry man."

They drove in silence for hours, just like the way they used to walk for hours.

"How 'bout you and that angel of yours? Now you do overshare sometimes, there are things that I don't need to know, but it is still a sappy love story."

Dean laughed, "It's good."

"Do you love him?"

Dean hesitated, he'd never actually told anyone that he loved them, "Yeah, I guess I do."

"Have you told him?"

"No, and I probably never will."

"You're an asshole, Dean Winchester."

"Oh now you're just trying to sweet talk me."

They bantered and they talked for hours. Dean could tell Benny things that he couldn't tell Sam or Cas. He'd spent almost a year with the guy, he had trusted him with his life. Benny may be a vampire, but that didn't stop him from being the best friend that Dean had probably ever had. 

They got a couple of hundred miles down the road when Benny told him to go ahead and pull into the parking lot of a small diner. "Want a cup of coffee or something?"

Dean could hear the loneliness in Benny's voice. "Sure, but only if they have pie," he smiled.

They spent a couple of more hours talking and laughing over coffee. Dean knew that Sam was going to be pissed, but he didn't really care. After a big bear hug and a thank you, Dean took off and left Benny in the parking lot of the diner, knowing that he'd call to check on him in a few days.

\-------------------------

"Hi honey, I'm home!" Dean called when he walked into the motel room. Sam just looked up from his computer and glared.

"You're in here instead of your own room because..."

"Because I missed my baby brother. Damn, when did you start your period?"

"About the same time you left me at the diner."

"Is this like a jealousy thing, Sam? Because I don't get why this shit pisses you off. I'm sleeping with Cas, and he doesn't care." Dean turned around and walked back out the door. 

\-------------------------

Cas had his head on Dean's chest just listening to him talk. "I don't understand why Sam gets so pissed off. I mean, does it bother you?"

"That you're friends with Benny?"

"Yeah"

"No, not at all. Honestly if it weren't for him, you wouldn't be here with me right now. You know that I can feel some of the things that you feel, and I know how you feel about Benny. I know that you wish that things were different, that you could be friends in the real world. But your real world doesn't make sense anyway, you're sleeping with an angel. I guess having a vampire as a best friend isn't that big of a stretch."

"How do you know that he's a vamp?" Dean asked quietly.

"We know of every creature out there, it wasn't hard to figure out. I'm guessing that cooler he had was full of bagged blood?"

"I taught him how to break into hospitals, blood banks. He doesn't want to kill anymore. He hates what he is. Does Sam know?"

"Probably."

Shit! The less Sam knew the better off they all were.

"He's jealous, Dean." Cas continued. "He thinks that you trust Benny more than you've ever trusted him, and to him Benny is a monster. Sam is your brother because he is a Winchester, you consider Benny your brother because of what you went through together. He knows things about you that Sam never will, just like I do."

"But Sam has never been jealous of you."

"Yes he has," Cas said softly. "In the beginning, he hated when you'd turn to me instead of him. He hated that I'd show up when you called but not when he did. He finally got used to me, especially when he saw how I felt about you. Benny is a threat to his place in your life. Benny hunted alongside you under indescribable conditions. Who do you trust more? Sam or Benny?"

"That's not a fair question, Cas."

"I didn't expect an answer, I know the answer, but it is a fair question."

Dean pulled Cas close, "Sometimes I hate that you know me so well."

"I know."

"But I forgive you because you are sexy and good in bed."

"I know."

"But that's not the only reason I'm with you."

"I know."

"You're kind of an asshole."

"I know." Cas said, laughing. "But you still love me." 

"I do." Dean whispered, kissing Cas on the top of his head. Benny was right, he should tell Cas how he felt.

Cas tilted his head up and locked eyes with Dean. God, Dean had the most beautiful green eyes. He was able to keep them guarded most of the time, but sometimes Cas could see something in them. Tonight his guard was down and Cas saw everything.

"I was ready to die down there. I almost did. I tangled with a vamp twice my size and I'd made my peace with it until I felt somebody take it out. At first I thought it was you, but you were already gone by then."

"Benny?" Dean had never talked to him about Purgatory.

"Yeah," Dean whispered. "He wanted to make a deal. He'd take me to the portal if I'd let him hitch a ride. I told him that I'd only accept the deal if he helped me look for you, and he did. For months he did. I don't know how many nights he told me how sorry he was that I'd lost you. He saw what it did to me. He asks about you when I talk to him. He knows how Sam feels, and he hates feeling like he's pitting brother against brother, you know? But he gets me in a way that Sam never will. In a primal way. He's a vamp, but he'll always have my back and I owe him the same respect. Sam would kill him on the spot if he could. I don't know if that's hunter instinct, or brother instinct. That line is blurry."

"Dean, chances are they'll never meet."

"I hope so. Benny would never try to hurt Sam." Dean bent down and kissed the top of Cas's head again, "Last time I saw Benny he told me that I'm an asshole for never telling you how I feel."

"You don't need to tell me, Dean."

"I do love you, Cas. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say it again, but I do."

"I know." Cas whispered. He leaned up to kiss Dean. "You don't have to say it again. Just like I don't. I can see it when you look at me."

Dean pulled Cas closer and rested his cheek against the top of his head. He didn't have to pull his coat over his body to stay warm and hope that he'd dream about Cas anymore. 

\-------------------------

He woke up and turned to get out of bed. Sometimes he loved that Cas didn't have to sleep so he was always able to see his smile first thing. After making Cas promise to stay in bed, naked, he threw on some clothes and headed out in search of a large cup of coffee to go. He had just set the coffee and donut on the table in the room when he felt his phone. It was a text from a number that he knew well. It was just an address, nothing else.

"Cas, I gotta go. I'll call you or for you or whatever." He said in a panic as he grabbed his coffee and left to jump in his car. He squealed out of the parking lot and headed for the highway. He couldn't imagine what in the fuck was going on.

He heard the low voices, he saw Benny with his hands up walking in a slow circle, letting himself be sized up. Benny had called him for help before, but never when he'd been backed into a corner. He took a deep breath and stepped out of the shadows. "What in the fuck are you doing, Sam?" He placed his body between Sam and Benny. "I told you to fucking drop it. What, did you track him down?"

"This isn't how we do things, Dean. We hunt we don't protect."

"The only reason you're hunting again is because I came back. And the only reason that I came back was because of him. We both know that you're not going to kill him so just drop the blade and leave."

"So it's him over me."

"Stop with the whiny, spoiled brat bullshit and accept it for what it is. Neither one of us is innocent. We've worked with demons. We've made deals. Why does this bother you so fucking much?"

"He's a monster, Dean."

"He's my friend, Sam. And whether or not you want to hear it, he's the only one I've got right now. You want to take his head off? Fine, but you're taking mine too."

"You're choosing him over your own brother?" 

"You are forcing me to make a choice. You have never had my back like he has. You have never trusted me like he has. We both know that. I came back from Purgatory fucked up. I'm still fucked up. I'm trying to learn how to live again and instead of helping me get through the nightmares you've fixated on him. That's where YOU chose him over me. This isn't going to happen, Sam. Not tonight. Benny, go get in the car.

"You are seriously leaving with him? You are saving his ass from your own flesh and blood?"

"What was it Bobby used to say? Family don't end in blood. You don't have to understand this, I really could give a shit less if you do. You've never even tried."

Dean turned, got in the car, started the engine and left. He didn't know how long it would be before he could face Sam again, if he ever could

\-------------------------

"I didn't want you to turn on your brother like that, Dean. I would never hurt the kid, I'd just hoped that you could talk him down. Keeping me alive isn't worth losing family."

"You are family, Benny."

They just drove in silence for hours.

\-------------------------

Benny sat in the diner, watching out the window while Dean talked to his angel.

"I don't know what to do here, Cas. I know that I need you. God, do I need you. But this life, I'm trying to make sense of it and I'm not doing a very good job. I'm just pretending all of the time. I'm fucking broken. In a lot of ways this is harder to come back from than Hell. I need to hit the road. I need to clear my head. I need to try to see this world the way that I remembered it. I know that you've been by my side for everything, but I have to do this one alone. I don't want to turn you into a crutch. I can't let myself rely on you to get by. It's not fair to you, to us. No watching over me, no coming to me if I call in my sleep. I can't lose you, but I can't be this guy standing in front of you anymore and I don't know what to do with that. I have to fix this, I will fix this. I'll call for you when the nightmares stop, I promise." He said softly with a catch in his throat.

Cas hadn't said a word but Dean could see the tears starting to roll down his face, he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. He pulled Cas to him in a gentle kiss and wrapped his arms around him, holding back his own tears. "I love you Cas..." He whispered before he let go and turned around. The sound of the fluttering made him visibly cringe. He was doing everything he could to keep it together. 

\-------------------------

"You okay, chief?" Benny asked when Dean sat down across from him.

Dean just sighed, "How did you feel when your lady wanted your head on a platter?"

"That bad?"

"Not quite, but still pretty bad. Now I just assumed that you'd be willing to take this road trip with me, but I'll drop you wherever you need to be."

"I think we're in it together, brother."

Dean just looked at the vampire 

"I never expected it to be like this."

Benny just shook his head, "Neither did I."

\-------------------------

Sam was pacing when Cas found him. "I can't believe this shit, Cas. A vampire? He chose a fucking vampire?"

"Sam, he chose a path to closure."

"So what do we do? Wait? That's what we always do for Dean, we wait."

Cas took a deep breath, he could feel the tears, "We accept that he's gone, that he may never come back. I don't think that he ever really did come back. We need to learn how to live without him."

"I already did that, Hell, Purgatory, I've done that twice now."

"And you're going to have to do it again. So am I." Cas said softly with a catch in his voice.

Sam turned to ask a question, but Cas had already disappeared. He just sat down, dropped his head, and cried. 

\-------------------------

Dean and Benny traveled their way up the east coast. Dean hustled while Benny sat quietly in the corner and watched. Just Benny's size alone was enough to keep people from starting trouble. They caught hunts when they could find them, but Dean always left Benny behind when he caught wind of a nest. Dean just went through the motions, knowing that Benny had his back. He didn't have to explain himself, he didn't have to defend himself, he didn't have to talk at all if he didn't want to. Not usually.

"So, why are you trying so hard to stay in Purgatory?" Benny asked from where he was sitting on the motel bed.

"What? I'm not."

"You're putting yourself in all of the same positions, fucked up vampire by your side. When you left, you brought it with you. You need to let go of that shit, Dean."

"I guess I got used to it." Dean said quietly.

"It was only a year, brother. You've been back for months and you haven't let any of it go. I know you're the kind of guy who keeps things in, but you can't this time."

"So what do I do? I'm fucking lost, man."

"You go back to that angel that loves you. You make amends with that pain in the ass little brother. You accept that you did change. You find your place in this world. This is the world you were meant to be in, not that shithole we shared. You never belonged down there, and it has no place up here."

"This isn't something I can explain to Sam, and that's what he wants."

"You don't have to say a damn thing that you don't want to, I'm just saying that you need to put it behind you. You are wasting a lot of time. You didn't climb through that portal to end up like this. You're more afraid of your life up here than you were of any monster down there, the question is, why?"

"Monsters don't ask questions, they don't expect explanations. Unless they're grumpy ass vampires."

Benny chuckled, "You can't run away from yourself. I know that you were afraid of what you started to become down there. I know that you are afraid of that shit that you still carry around inside of you. It's not who you are, Dean Winchester, it was circumstances."

Dean went silent. He thought about Cas every single day, he missed everything about him. As much as Sam pissed him off, he missed him too. He hated the way things were. He hated feeling like he didn't fit.

"I need some sleep, I guess we'll get back on the road tomorrow?"

"Whatever you say, chief."

\-------------------------

"You said that there is a nest back here?" Dean asked quietly, holding his machete.

"Nah, just one. A rogue."

"How in the hell did you find out about a..." Dean just stepped back, "No Benny."

"I'm holding you back, Dean."

"Benny..."

"Me and this world, the way it is now, it's not a fit. I don't belong."

Dean could feel the tears, "You've been here for months, Benny."

"And they've been some of the longest months of my life."

"What am I supposed to do without you?" Dean's voice caught.

"You go back to doing what you always did. You live and you fight and you love. I'm not meant to be here. I'm sorry chief."

"So why tell me now?" Dean cried.

"You brought me back, Dean. Nobody has ever done me a favor that big."

Dean just shook his head, "No Benny, I can't. You can't ask me to do this."

"You told me once to call if I needed anything. Well, I need something."

"You are the best fucking friend that I have. You saved my ass. You helped me get topside."

"And now I'm the one who needs help."

"Why me?" Dean yelled. "Why are you asking me?"

"I helped you get to where you belong, I'm asking you to return the favor."

"I can't..."

"I need you to. I don't want some hunter sneaking up behind me. I want to see a friendly face before I go back." Benny reached his hand out. "I'll never forget you Dean Winchester."

Dean reached forward and wrapped his hand around Benny's, pulling him into a hug. "I don't want to do this, but I will" he cried.

"Thank you, brother." Benny whispered. 

Dean raised his blade shoulder level and closed his eyes as he swung as hard as he could. He heard Benny hit the ground and he just walked to his car, crying and covered in blood. He saw the gold watch on the passenger seat when he dropped his machete. He picked it up and just cried. He cried until he couldn't cry any more.

\-------------------------

When Sam heard the knock on his motel room door he pulled it open and saw Dean, covered in blood, holding a blade. Dean shoved past him, dropped the blade and a gold watch on the floor. "You don't have to worry about seeing Benny again, not anytime soon." and he turned to walk out. He ignored Sam calling his name as he got in his car and drove away.

He just stared at himself in the rest stop bathroom. He knew how he looked, so he didn't bother to stop at a gas station or diner. He was covered in blood, Benny's blood. It took him awhile before he could bring himself to start cleaning up, but he did the best he could. To look at him you'd never know that just a few hours ago he'd killed his best friend. He curled up in the back seat of his car and tried to sleep, pulling his jacket over him to keep warm. He had nightmares about Purgatory, he saw vividly how ugly it was. He remembered the ever present fear, never knowing if this day would be his last. He finally got up and got back behind the wheel. In a daze he drove to the nearest town and check into a motel. He showered off the last remnants of Purgatory and wrapped up his bloody clothes to throw away. It was all behind him now, it had to be.

\-------------------------

Dean took a deep breath before he picked up his phone to call Sam. Other than Dean dropping off his blade, they hadn't talked since the night that he had left with Benny.

"Hey, you at the same motel?" Dean asked before Sam could say anything.

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"Well I'm only a few hours away. Do you mind if I stop by?"

"Of course." Sam could hear the defeat in Dean's voice. "Is everything okay?"

"No, Sammy. Everything is far from okay."

Sam was surprised when Dean hugged him before he sat down. Dean saw his blade propped in the corner, still covered in blood with the gold watch hanging from it. "I don't even know how to start this conversation, Sam. I'm sorry about a lot of things, but I don't hold all of the responsibility for shit happening the way it did. I needed you."

"I know, Dean." Sam said quietly.

"You haven't been walking in my shoes for the last year and a half. There are a lot of things that you will never understand, things that I can't make you understand. I've been hard on you, I know that. I get that I was dead to you, I've been dead to you since I got back. I haven't been able to adjust, Sam. Unless I'm hunting or having sex, nothing makes sense. There is something in me that I am having a hard time shaking." Dean paused and took a deep breath, "Benny told me that I brought Purgatory back with me, and he was right. I need to start living again. We may not always agree, but you need to trust me. I need to know that you have my back."

"I know, Dean. I'm sorry that I didn't. I'm sorry that I focused on...all of the wrong things."

"Not that it matters, but I want you to know that he never threatened me, he never came after me. I did what I did because he asked me to. He couldn't handle life up here and he asked me to send him back."

"I'm sorry, for everything. I really am."

"Thanks Sam." Dean said quietly. "I don't know where we go from here, but we go together. It might be good for us to get back to the hunt. Go back to doing what Winchester's do best."

"Do you feel like you could hunt? I mean, where is your head at?"

Dean looked Sam in the eye, "My head is fucked up, but I need to get back to normal. Well, our version of normal. I have something I need to go take care of. I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Of course." Sam stood to give Dean another hug, "We'll get you through this, man. We always do."

Dean just gave him a half smile and glanced over at the blade before he left. He knew that in some ways this next conversation was going to be even harder.

\-------------------------

Dean laid on the bed and waited for the familiar sound. He finally heard the soft fluttering. "I killed him Cas." he whispered.

"Why?" Cas said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"He asked me to. He said that he didn't fit here, just like I didn't fit down there."

"He was right."

"I thought that you were dead and that Sam was looking for me. I was down there so long that I got used to everything being gray, foggy, cold, and out to kill me. When I came back, it wasn't what I expected. I mean I get that Sam couldn't find me, I just needed to know that he tried. And you...you still being alive was almost too much to take. I've wasted months not knowing how to live, feeling caged and empty. The walls are closing in all of the time, sometimes I can't even breathe. Dealing with this isn't like dealing with Hell. It isn't better or worse, it's just different and I don't know how much I have left in me. How many more times I'm going to be able to just come back to the life I had before."

"You're not going to come back to the life you had before. You were lost for a year. We can't get that back."

"But you're alive, you're here, I've touched you. Why was that so hard?"

"Because you'd already said goodbye. You'd accepted that you were going to have to live your life without me, and there's no reason to feel guilty about that. I was in the same position. I couldn't feel you while you were down there. I had to let you go. You can't imagine how surprised I was when I could feel you again. When I was finally able to find you."

"I'm different, Cas. I'm scared. I feel like I became too primitive for this world and I'm either lost in that or I'm not trying hard enough to move past it. I told Sam that the only times I feel normal is when I'm hunting or having sex. Those are primal things, not just human things. I learned that there really isn't a difference between monsters and humans, and that scares the shit out of me. I remember that look in your eyes that first night, when I scared you. I was a monster. I mean, where is the line? How do you know when you've crossed it? I don't have teeth like Benny's, but in a lot of ways he's a better man than I've ever been. So I kill and I fuck and everything in between is white noise."

Cas took off his coat and shoes and laid down next to Dean, their bodies not touching, "You didn't cross the line with me that night. You could have, but you didn't. You stopped yourself. You held me. You kissed me. You made me feel things that I had never felt before."

"But that was before, Cas. That's when I still felt human and not like some animal."

"Do you love me, Dean?"

"Cas..."

"Do you love me?"

Dean turned his head to look at Cas, "You know that I do."

"That's what makes you human. When your hands are on me, and you want to make me feel something, that's what makes you human. When you wake up and smile because I'm next to you, that's what makes you human. You didn't become one of them down there, you just learned how to survive in their world. You had no choice. But this is your world and you have a choice. You have a lot of choices and you are having a hard time making them, I see that. You are overwhelmed, but you are putting too much pressure on yourself to just be the same guy you were before we tumbled through that portal. You are never going to be that guy again, Dean. You can't expect to be."

"How can you still care about me, want to be with me, when I don't even know what I am?"

"Because of the way that you touch me and the way that you hold me. You keep me away from your white noise. You come to me for solace, you feel safe with me. You still see yourself in my eyes." 

"Sometimes that's the only place that I can see myself." Dean whispered.

"So look at me."

Dean rolled on his side and propped himself up on his elbow, "You won't give up, will you?"

"You told me that you need me."

"I do." Dean whispered, finally looking into Cas's eyes.

"So show me."

Dean placed his hand on the side of Cas's face and bent down to softly kiss him, encouraging his lips apart, gently sliding their tongues together. He knew that as long as he had Cas, he had everything. Cas slid his hand around the back of Dean's neck and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. They worked together to undo the buttons on Cas's shirt before he sat up and pulled it down his arms, tossing it on the floor on top of Dean's t-shirt. Dean slid behind him and pressed his lips against the back of his neck, just like he had that first morning. His fingers gently trailed down Cas's back causing him to shiver. Cas pressed his body back, leaning against Dean's bare chest, feeling full lips slide along his neck and across his shoulders while rough hands moved around to run up his chest, stopping to trace every muscle with gentle fingers. Cas softly moaned, he knew what he wanted. "Is it in your bag?" he whispered against Dean't neck. "Is that what you want?" Dean asked. Cas pressed back again and felt that Dean was already hard. "It's what I want." Dean got up from the bed and dug through his bag while Cas slipped off the rest of his clothes, slid the pillows beneath his hips, and waited, waited to feel Dean against him, inside of him. Dean set the bottle on the nightstand and stood next to the bed, letting Cas reach out to undo the button and pull the zipper, pushing his pants and boxers down his thighs, freeing his hard cock. Cas just looked at Dean standing next to him, he was perfection. Dean could see it all in Cas's eyes as he crawled back onto the bed and settled between Cas's legs. "I can't do this without you, Cas," he whispered. "I need you, I need you to drown out the white noise." Cas pulled him into a kiss, running his smooth hands down Dean's back and up his sides, feeling every inch of skin that he could. He deepened the kiss, holding Dean against him, gently taking his bottom lip between his teeth. He tilted his head back, giving Dean access to the sensitive skin on his neck and arched his body when he felt the full lips and teeth pull blood to the surface. Dean's hot mouth moved down his body, stopping to swirl his tongue around a nipple before taking it in his mouth and gently sucking. He had already dripped lube on his finger and leaned down for a hungry kiss as he slid his finger inside, watching Cas's eyes, seeing the lust and anticipation. Cas bit his bottom lip when he felt the second finger, waiting for Dean to find his prostate. The moan started in his chest as he felt the gentle glide against it, he could hear Dean's need as much as he could feel it. He rocked against the fingers, ready for more, he wanted to feel as much as he could. Dean pulled his fingers out and slid his cock in with one fluid motion, holding Cas's hips still. He couldn't move until he saw the pain leave Cas's eyes. His rough hands slid up and down Cas's taut stomach and across his chest before he bent down and held Cas captive with his mouth, waiting for the right moment. He started to gently rock and felt the needy fingers gripping his back, his shoulders. The soft moans and gentle cries made him desperate to feel Cas's skin against his, against his hands, his mouth. He didn't need to reach down, he had Cas's cock trapped between them, feeling the friction from his every movement. Cas was already building, throbbing, ready to come. The feel of Dean's cock skimming against his prostate was more than he could take, and without being touched he cried out Dean's name and came between their bodies just waiting, waiting for Dean to finish. Dean's thrusts became greedy and frantic, he could feel Cas writhing beneath him and his name was like a soft echo, repeatedly passing across Cas's lips. He slid his sweat slicked body against Cas for one final deep thrust before he felt the release that changed something inside of him and made him dizzy. He collapsed, sweaty and out of breath, on top of Cas, just waiting to feel his angel's arms around him. This was right, this was what made sense. He buried his face against Cas's neck, he couldn't hold the tears back anymore. He cried away the fear, the loneliness, the confusion, the loss. Cas just held him and whispered all of the things that he needed to hear. He knew that he was home, that he'd come back. For the first time in months, he knew.

"Look at me." Cas whispered.

Dean leaned his head back and looked at Cas's face in the dim light from the cheap lamp. All he could see were those amazing eyes, those eyes that knew him, those eyes that could see inside of him, where he could see himself.

"Cas...I..."

"Dean, you're back. Six months ago neither one of us thought that we would be here, but we are. I know that you are confused and you are hurt, you feel broken. You died when you thought that I had died, but we're here Dean. What just happened, that was real and it was beautiful. I will do whatever I have to do to help you drown out the white noise."

Dean reached out and slowly slid his fingertips down the side of Cas's face, "You make me feel like I'm human."

"That's because you are, and you're perfect."


End file.
